Ineffective Individual Coping/ Ranting

It would seem that this week I have experienced a bit of ineffective individual coping, I don't know how else to explain it... I spent all day Monday at Overlake Hospital trying to jump through all the necessary hoops to get my students in to start their clinicals today. Apparently the instructors are supposed to orient their own students to the hospital and to the floor they will be working on. This is a little difficult to do if you've never worked at said hospital on said floor.
So Monday was my crash course in hospital and medical oncology orientation, agonizing to say the least.
After spending all day working out the clinical situation, I went work at the good old UW. My patient was especially unstable and the family was very needy. The entire night I kept hearing things like "He's starting to look better," and "I just know he'll come around." Of course I knew that these statements were not true, but how do you say that to hopeful family? I did my best not to feed their false hope and prayed hard under my breath.
Somehow I finished the night and made it home. By the time I was getting ready for work on Tuesday night, it didn't seem like I had slept at all. I took back my assignment from the night previous, my unstable patient with the needy family. It seems as though that night they were beginning to understand that he wasn't going to get any better. When I went into the room, his three teenage kids were at the bedside and very tearful. I tried to stay out of the room as much as I could that night to allow the family some private moments to say goodbye, but I tried to stay close enough so that they knew I was there if needed. It's a hard balance to find.
The kids finally left for the night to go to the hotel to try and get some sleep while the wife stayed.
As I was outside the room charting I noticed his heart rate start to drop, 110 to 90 to 80... I knew we must be getting close so I headed into the room. As soon as I entered, his wife (who was a nurse) asked me what was going on. I told her that his heart rate was dropping and that she should call the kids. I just stood there with her helplessly as we watched him slip away. A few minutes later she said, "He's gone isn't he." I tried one lost time to feel for a pulse and listen with my stethoscope; nothing but the rhythmic sound of the ventilator which was still giving him breaths. I recorded time of death at 0122 and waited until the rest of the family arrived and then left them in the room with him to say goodbye.
Of course the "death packet" must filled out as soon as possible. There I sat pushing papers and calling the medical examiner, the attending physician, and the organ donation agency. I turns out he was eligible for cornea donation which his wife graciously consented to. Now it was time to give his family the bereavement packet and start post mortem care preparing the eyes for "harvest."
More family drama, more co-worker drama, the medical examiner changing his mind about autopsy after I had extubated and delined the patient... Seven thirty finally came. I got home just in time for a nap before teaching my lab. It was the first time my students were doing injections on real people, each other... Shaky hands with needles can be a very entertaining thing. During office hours I helped some students learn how to administer an enema to a plastic doll. I have such a weird job sometimes.
Then it was off to plan a Bible study and the students orientation. By the time I got to church and found my Bible study being video taped, I just wanted to cry. Ineffective individual coping? Yes!!! I guess maybe I just can't change gears that fast. I've just to remember to pray.

Herding Elephants

Following last weeks incident I went back to school on Tuesday expecting to find an elephant in my classroom, instead I found a whole herd of them!
It started out by seeing the head clinical instructor in the hallway. She had emailed me over the weekend saying she knew I was late for clinicals and was asking what had happened. So there I was leaning on the front desk as I attempted to explain the whole thing once again. Thank God I work for a Christian university... Unfortunately/fortunately, I didn't just stop at the events of the day but I went on to continue to talk about what I had learned from the whole thing; that inviting someone to pray with you is a privilege that just may encourage them as much as it does you. Allowing others to witness what God is doing in your life is a powerful thing...
That same professor and I co-teach a lab. Later that afternoon when it was time for skills practice, I was surprised to see her start abruptly crying. Of all of the faculty she is one that is usually very controlled and has the most defined boundaries. Class was just beginning and the students where starting to come into the lab so I kicked them all out into the classroom and gave them a quiz.
By the time they finished the quiz she had regained composure and the class went on as usual. I didn't see her at all after class as she seemed to have left the campus hastily.
Later on that afternoon as I was asking our office administrator about my groups clinical paperwork, I found out that she had been recently diagnosed with cancer. My immediate thought was, "Oh no, what did I just say to her?" Perhaps it was the best thing I could have said. Of course I didn't know at the time that she had cancer, those comments came my own brush with vulnerability and I'm willing to bet that God planned it that way.

Uber Blessed!

Thank you Angela, for reminding me to look on the bright side; indeed they do care!
It seems that I too had my worst teacher day ever this last Friday. It all started out on Thursday evening when I got home from teaching clinical in Everett. Sometime during the course of the evening I realized that I just wasn't feeling right. I tried to push through and return a few phone calls but by the time 9 pm rolled around I decided to call it a night, or at least try to. So I went to bed only to find out that I couldn't sleep.
The last time I saw the clock was at about 2am. I must have fallen asleep because somehow I woke up at 6:25. I know that doesn't sound like a problem but when you think about the fact that my class starts 6am in Everett, it's a big problem. I rolled out of the bed the minute I found out what time it was just to make sure I could. I grabbed my phone only to find that it had been on silent and there were 4 missed calls, all of them from the students.
As I called them back, the first thing I heard was "Professor M, is everything ok?" When I arrived at the clinical site I found them writing SOAP notes. They had already done devotions and prayed. They once again asked if everything was alright and of course I assured them it was. When I told them I was sorry for being late one of them spoke up and said, "Therefore there is now no condemnation..."
We then decided that just because the day had started badly, that didn't mean it had to end badly. Unfortunately only a few minutes later I found myself sitting on a desk in a cold sweat with no blood perfusion to my body while trying to go over a patients medications with a student.
I felt somebody take my wrist looking for a radial pulse which they apparently couldn't find. It took some very eloquent speaking to convince 4 nurses and 8 nursing students that the arrhythmia would eventually go away and I didn't need to go to the ER. I somehow made it to the next room into one of the recliners where I was "attended" by 4 of my students. Honestly all I wanted was for everyone to leave to me alone, but I must admit that their concern was genuine and their intentions sweet.
It wasn't too much later when the dean arrived. He had brought snacks and offered to take me home and round on my students for the rest of the day. After more eloquent speeches and some in depth explanation of the cardiac conduction system complete with diagrams, I managed to convince him to head back to the school and his "deanly" duties.
I was still feeling fairly awful but the students somehow helped me make it to the end of the day. Later that evening when I listened to my voicemail: "Miss M, how is my beloved teacher. I'm just wanting to make sure you're doing ok..."

Reflections on Yom Kippur

Last Thursday marked another Yom Kippur. As I look back to very first post on this blog I am absolutely astounded by God's amazing works and how He has shown me just a little of what that "more" is.
I think back to Yom Kippur 2005, the infamous "Avocado Incident." It was a year of transitions for me; my first year in my own home, my first year working as a nurse... I was fasting for Yom Kippur, or at least trying to, when I started praying. I think I must have been a little frustrated and perhaps angry at God. As I was praying I saw an avocado on my kitchen counter. "God, if you really are God and you really do love me, how much would matter if I ate that avocado. I know we are free from the law... But what attitude am I about to do this in?"
Yom Kippur 2006 marked a parting of ways with a close friend. She chose to deny her Saviour while I prayed desperately for the strength to hold on to Him. Though we are still friends, it's never been the same.
It wasn't long after Yom Kippur 2007 that I learned about reconciliation; God's desire for us to be reconciled to Him, and what it means to be "given the ministry of reconciliation.
Now it is Yom Kippur once again and I have had the wonderful privilege of sharing it with the the Body. Last Sunday I had the opportunity to participate in the ancient tradition of Taschlich with some friends from dare I say it... CHURCH! We all went down to Greenlake for a little scripture reading and some therapeutic rock throwing as an illustration of Micah 7:19 which says: " You will again have compassion on us;you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea."
Thursday marked the closing of Yom Kippur. After clinical was over three of my students and I went on a bit of a "field trip" to attend services at Beit Tikvah. How wonderful it is to be reconciled to the Body of Believers and share these meaningful times with them! God is faithful to His promises, Amen.